Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That posh voice that your mum puts on when she's on the phone:')

   Just once I'd like to yell, "You're a f#%$ing disgrace!" without feeling like a hypocrite.

   Just because a few people of questionable eyesight and judgment say you are pretty does not automatically make you a model.

   My doctor is a weight loss expert. He removes the fat from my wallet.

   I don't understand why people in movies open doors so slowly to be stealthy. Doors only creak when you do that. I mean, try opening your door really quickly. Not a sound.

   It doesn't bother me when I see men and women trade sex everyday like some kind of commodity. What bothers me is when they disguise and try to pass it off as dating. Remove the money element and the relationship crumbles.

   Never again will I eat a foot long corn dog at a nude beach.!!!

   don't you wish that cold a@@ Coors train was running through your neighborhood today?" Hell yeah. RIGHT NOW!

   We dont remember anything from last night....Remember

   Thunderstorm knocked out my power so to pass the time, I'm sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets and hoping the power doesn't come back on.

   Two years from now, spam will be solved - Bill Gates (2004)

   there is a good chance my eyes will be red tomorrow

   Everyday I think people can't get any more stupid and pretty much everyday I'm proven horribly wrong!

   xT: Quotes My Parents Say I Spend To Much Time On Facebook And Should Go Outside . Thank God For Laptops And Wifi.

   Enrique Iglesias is far too pretty to be swearing in his songs. Its like being flipped off by a unicorn.

   A friend knows there's something wrong by the way you act but a best friend can tell through just a text message

   Does anyone else wonder why there are more male sword swallowers than female sword swallowers...

   I have seen the light! Its a sign!! Its says "Live Nude Ladies" and I shall follow it.

   girls know everything except when a guy likes them..

   You still mean everything to me, but you're just not worth the fight or my time and effort anymore.