Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   reality shows about cake bosses, exterminators, ghost chasing plumbers, douchey Jersey people , pawn brokers, repo guys, and vapid celebutards... what's next? A show about paint drying?

   I use the iPhone technique to keep a woman- I tell her I've grown, I've changed & that I'm 2x better. It changes everything.

   Hey old men, I don't know how it worked in the 1940's but today you don't have to talk to the person at the urinal next to you.

   How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on

   If Wheaties are “The Breakfast of Champions” then cold pizza has to be “The Late Night Snack of Fat Happy People”, right?

   Happy National Report Your Boss To HR Day everyone!!!

   OK ladies, my Dr said my heart is healthy enough for sex!!!

   Mother caught me jerkin it when I was 13. She asked my dad when would I stop: He told her she'd have to ask someone older than him.

   Don't worry, you'll never be lazier than the guy who named the washer and dryer.

   Please everyone,, Hit the "like" button for my friend Emma Lyon's bagged manure company... And her best selling product,, " Emma Lyon's Sack-o-Crap"

   In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   Speaking of IKEA, I think the phrase "Some assembly required" is Swedish for "Here's a pine log and some nails."

   Maybe if I looked like Tobey Maguire people would feel sorry for me....

   Girls, it's not pretty being easy.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?