Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In honor of Yankees Superstar Alex Rodriguez's 211 game suspension for steroid use, the city of New York has announced that it plans to name the Verazno-Narrows Bridge (The longest suspension bridge in the world) the "A-Rod Suspension Bridge."

   Some TV commercials tell us to not try it at home. Where are we suppose to try it? At school?

   cooking tip : not everyone can be a chef you know... you can order a pizza,, there is nothing shameful about giving up

   Speaking of IKEA, I think the phrase "Some assembly required" is Swedish for "Here's a pine log and some nails."

   Maybe if I looked like Tobey Maguire people would feel sorry for me....

   Girls, it's not pretty being easy.

   Yes, I will judge you by how you treat other people even if you're sweet as pie to me. Be kind or go to hell.

   My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.

   Just flossed my teeth with a peace of thread from this ladies snagged sweater... in case you were looking for someone with mad MacGyver skills.

   Just a thought but if you infected all the undead with tetanus, wouldn't lock jaw solve the pesky zombie problem?

   If I asked you to have sex with me... Would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?

   I know what I'm getting all my Mayan friends for Christmas!

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   I always hold the door open for ladies, but they never want to get in the van...

   I used to think air was free. Then I bought a bag of potato chips...

   A lot of people are single because they value their peace of mind. Unhealthy relationships can be so damn stressful.

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   Leave it to a collection of random motherf uckers I've never met to make me feel less like shi t, I love you guys

   Hey people who like to start conversations with complete strangers, knock that s$it off.

   I was just reading the obituaries there a some good houses coming on the market soon