Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

   3 YEARS OF THERAPY ....GONE ....in 60 sec

   Some people hear their own inner voices with great clearness and they live by what they hear. Such people become crazy, or they become legends."

   I think my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute, did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again

   my son Xander (5) got in trouble and sent to his room. He comes out a few minutes later and tried to bribe me into letting him out by give me a $1 bill. A lesser man would have succombed I tell you.....

   is thinking whether to open facebook or textbook......wonder what`s he gonna do..

   you can polish a turd but it will always be a piece of sh*t

   BREAKING NEWS: Philip Morris teams up with TSA to offer free cigarette after clearing airport security. (̅_̅_̅_̅(̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅_̅̅_̅()ڪے~ ~

   noticed a recent increase in former girlfriends on FB that are now married. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for them. But with the divorce rate in this country I should be getting some nice rebound sex sooner rather than later.

   I was excited to bring home my Xmas Tree but I didn't have the heart to tell it I'd be leaving it in the street for dead in just a few weeks.

   Always remember to pillage before you burn.

   It must be spring, I just saw 2 crackheads pawning a space heater. Who needs a groundhog?

   I ate too much comfort food and now I'm a bean bag chair.

   Growing up my mom would take me to the toy store and be so patient as I sat their for a long time trying to make a decision about which toy to buy...thank God she doesn't have to go to the liquor store with me now.

   Did you ever stop to think if some of your friends were actually resulting mistakes made by their parents'...."Get-Together?"

   Facebook is perfect for me. It's the c0cktail party where you don't have to wait your turn to speak.

   Eating kidney beans is a very small step towards cannibalism...

   Got lucky opening an oyster yesterday. I found an oil filter.

   Nothing improves creativity more than a lack of supervision.

   I always try to be unusually kind and compassionate to those around me during the holidays, because I never know who will end up being my Secret Santa.