Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A black boy in a hoodie is a thug but a white kid in a hoodie is a skateboarder

   high on life... and glue

   doesn't have a microwave oven but he does have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff

   Slept like a baby last night!!! Woke 3 times and screamed my lungs out....and pooed my pants !!!

   I'm going to have three children.. One girl, named Stacey, so my wife can be Stacey's mom.. And she will have it going on.. One boy named Luke, so I can say "Luke, I am your father." and one more boy named Sparta.. So I can introduce him 'THIS IS SPARTAA'

   Dream: Own a beer company named responsibly. Then all the other beer companies do my advertising for me.

   Obama supporters will party all night, especially since most of them don't work...

   Well the good news is Obama won nothing will change, The bad news is Obama won nothing will change.

   if William Shatner takes a crap, does he call it a "captain's log"?

   Time for my weekly game of let's-see-how-long-I-can-drive-with-my-gas-light-on

   You can always tell how healthy someone's diet is, by how TERRIBLE their farts smell

   Who are we?--Proud Americans. And what do we want? --To stop being the fattest country in the world!. When do we want it? -- After dessert!

   Women will cost you more money than a drug habit, business adventure ect.....matter of fact the reason the v@gina is shaped that way is so you can swipe your credit card thru and be done with it!!

   I just saw two Latino's shooting hoops. I think it was Juan on Juan.

   "Hey David... Do you talk to your girlfriend while you are having sex? "Only if there's a phone handy"

   If I am suffering and hurting and you tell me "its all god's plan" I will kick your ass and tell you it's also god's plan.

   Ask SIri "What is zero divided by zero", and get ready for a laugh.

   wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of "liking" my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I'm awesome

   Word of advice, Saying "Nice Hand" at an amputee poker fund raiser is NOT a good idea!

   blinded by the light. Revved up like a douche, another runner in the night.