Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dream of a world where even lactose is tolerated by everyone.

   Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

   Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.

   Most computer problems are caused by a loose nut between the chair and the keyboard.

   I'm sick of closing out every job interview with "I was young. I needed the money."

   Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?

   My wife was watching a cooking show and I said ''Why are you watching that! You don't know how to cook!''..............She said ''Well you watch porn!!!!!!!!''

   Can we name the next hurricane Shaniqua or something? I feel like if we give hurricanes ghetto names, people will be more inclined to get away from them. Hurricane Irene sounds friendly. Hurricane Shaniqua will rip out your weave if you look at it wrong.

   Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   That  moment when the woman you're dancing behind bends over so you can grind it, then you realise she just lost an earring... and that no one else in Starbucks can hear your iPod.

   If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at work anymore

   What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least,that's what the restraining order says.

   You know that just before that first Thanksgiving dinner there was one wise, old Native American woman saying, “Don't feed them. If you feed them, they'll never leave.

   Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.

   What's the name of that Eminem song where he's all mad and sh!t?

   When I see names carved into a tree I don't think it's cute, I just think its strange how many people take knives on a date.

   Hey Facebook, if I have 75 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends, it means I don't like them. Take a hint.

   Everyone has the one mysterious toothbrush in the bathroom that nobody in your house uses or knows anything about.