Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   - I saw an article in a magazine titled, "10 ways to make your wife come".........I didn't bother reading it though...... I'm too f***ing busy searching for 1 way to make her go......

   it me or is Tosh.0 the greatest freaking show since Flavor of Love???...

   Yes Officer, I do know why you pulled me over. To single-handedly destroy any chance I had of accomplishing my New Years Resolution goal of becoming a Saint before the sun even came up this morning.

   ... so the failed bomb was sewn to the inside of his underpants? How does that impact his hope of 72 virgins? Just imagine his expression as they stomped out the fire. :O

   gonna get some gold in my mouth, turn my hat sideways

   I flirt with you it doesn't mean I'm interested, it just means I'm awake

   •Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs?”

   thinking.. Don't you hate it when you are having a great memory about a fantastic adventure you had as a kid and then you realise it was actually an episode of "Leave it to Beaver " ??

   In America, you will eventually have a President that used to play Pokemon as a child. Scary.

   We can put a man on the moon. Create a device the cooks food in minutes if not seconds. We have GPS and smart phones. But we can't even cure the common cold??

   In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.

   just saw a sign on a church that read, "Don't give up. Moses was a basket case too." LOL!

   thinks that a couch in a nudist colony has to smell like ass.

   I like the Summertime. But What I like the most is Women, Video Games, Pizza and Beer. So if I get all of those at the same time, then I've pretty much found my Center in the Sun."

   If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

   Build a man a fire he's warm for a day, set him on fire and he's warm the rest of his life.

   "Donald Trump is the greatest!" I am Hillary Clinton and I approve this message.

   ENGAGED!! ..........in a good cause

   Obama's speech tonight: Me me me me I I I I me I me I me me me I my my me me I I my me. Oh, and I........

   I had a nightmare. I was having s-e-x with Paula Dean d0ggie style. I was pulling her hair and she was screaming, "AH CAINT BLEEVE IT'S NOT BUTTER!"