Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BREAKING: DNA evidence clears curiosity, cat murderer still at large.

   All I wanted for Xmas was for the pirate bay website to come back. Is that too much to ask?

   You have just begun reading the sentence you have just finished reading.

   [WIFE] I'm going to fold your laundry so hard. [ME] You think you can handle one more load? - Laundry Sext

   Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better... or worse?... How about now?,,, Better... or worse?

   The women's USA Olympic hockey team pucked up.

   I bet at least half the guys who get struck by lightning's last thoughts were, "Holy Crap, am I a Highlander?"

   Note to self: Don't photobomb someone getting a mammogram

   Lightning is like God's way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"

   RESEARCH: Bilderberg, Bohemian Grove, Club of Rome, Committee of 300, Skull and Bones Society, HAARP, Chemtrails, Project Bluebeam, Georgia Guidestones

   Apparently it's Monday today and it's sunny outside. Thanks everyone for that invaluable piece of information

   Somewhere in the world is a woman named Rosetta Stone, and her husband still has no clue what the hell she's talking about.

   Men have nuts and women are nuts. God is so silly...

   Sometimes your the windshield sometimes your the bug, but every now and then ya get to be a big effin rock and smash that windshield!!

   "Almost" and the "same" are almost the same thing!

   's going on vacation and coming back on probation.

   U Can't Touch This. Well he didn't say that when the IRS took his money!

   Back before clocks and calendars I bet people used wonder why one day out of seven always sucked

   What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.'

   Do I wake up grumpy in the morning? Nope. I just let her sleep