Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is.

   Got my new Ghetto Book: 50 Shades of Cray Cray. It's just a picture book with women b!tching.

   Shut the hell up and do me. - How arguments should end.

   If you were dying of thirst in the desert, I wouldn't let you drink my urine.

   Today's Joke! A Girl said …….. TRUST ME

   The real victims of the NBA lockout are tattoo parlors and rape defense attorney's.

   It's drizzy outside, expect a Lil Wayne.

   So...if yesterday was Black Friday, and today is Broke Saturday, then tomorrow must be Return everything Sunday?

   Kim Kardashian says her divorce was like beating cancer. In archived footage, Kim can be seen beating and blowing a 12 inch cancer.

   What Birds always stick together? Velcrows

   The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they take things so literally.

   My wife said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I don't understand women.

   Hi, I'm Tom Bodet for Motel 6. We'll leave the LYSOL.

   If women were labeled "heroes" instead of "sluts" for sleeping around too much, us guys would be having a lot more sex. Someone messed up here...

   5 out of 3 people struggle with Maths.

   I just farted real loud, and my car alarm went off.... Some guy is stealing my car but I wanted you guys to know about my fart.. Be right back.

   If you win the $1.3 billion powerball, remember the little people. No seriously, remember the midgets, they probably couldn't reach the counter to order tickets

   Cruz had 5 mistresses? Were they alive?

   Well, well, well...look who's crawling back, asking me to repair the axle on their wheelchair.

   I like clothing that has little hidden pockets. It's like they made it knowing I was going to put my weed in there.