Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Know your limitations, people. Sometimes certain body cavities just won't stretch that far.

   All icebergs are cold. Every last one of them. There I go, glacial profiling again.

   I'm the kind of person who drinks hot chocolate and cappuccino in 90-degree weather and eats ice cream and drink ice slushies in 10-degree weather.

   Whichever candidate promises to get rid of Nickelback and Justin Beiber has my vote.

   iPhone > Android > Nokia > Land phone > Typewriter > 2 cans and a string > Message in a bottle > Pigeon with a note taped to it > Blackberry

   Illegals, America invites you to bring your families, our tax payers would love to provide you free health care, free food stamps, and free housing. You will never have to do anything again, just come to our country. What will come next?

   Whenever I drink whiskey, I turn into Kermit the Frog. I start talking funny, I turn green, and then I end up messing with a fat pig

   I heard that girls like it when I play hard to get, So I've locked myself in my apartment & turned off my phone. Now, I wait.

   For you GRINGOS who want to celebrate Cinco de Mayo the right way, you'll need the following: A Loud Mariachi Band, Fajitas, Chihuahua Races in the Backyard, Have all of your guests carpool in one car, and lots of Corona and Tequila! ¡Viva la raza!

   My sleep number is a fat blunt

   Just wants to make it clear...white men leave their kids too...

   I'll keep my guns, my freedom, my money. You can keep the change!!!

   " to be taken three times a day, with water "

   I was going to let you in front of me, but then I saw your Obama bumper & decided I didn't need a stupid driver in front of me this morning.

   just wanted to say "Thank you" to those of you have faithfully cracked me up when I pop in here. Off to wipe coffee of my screen again.

   A sign language interpreter at a Trump rally just wildly swinging around both middle fingers in all directions as he speaks.

   swimming less than 30 minutes after a meal.

   I watch pom. I know that you misread that, didn`t you?

   You know what I hate? When you're in somebody's house and you see a tin of Celebrations - you sneak the lid off and its a f*cking sewing kit.

   Boys make excuses, men make changes...