Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

   and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   I was going to change my facebook password to "penis" but it was rejected. Not long enough.

   remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.

   When one's heart is filled with the desire for earthly things, there is no room left for the spirituality of God.

   Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   got a little captain in him

   Its Jesus' birthday yet..... we're the ones getting the gifts.....How about that.

   "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."

   DID YOU KNOW........Summer on Uranus lasts for 21 years - but so does winter.

   Scientists have invented a robotic girlfriend. The bad part is when, right in the middle of romantic activity, you have to call tech support. You have to spend thousands and thousands on maintenance and upkeep. It's just like having a real girlfriend.

   Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...beauty!

   typed this status update with his big toe. Today's update was brought to you by Dr. Scholls.

   Favorite Animal is Grey Goose

   Just drank a sugar free, caffeine free, soda. I'm so happy that they finally found a way to bottle nothing but nasty aftertaste.