Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   R.I.P. Rodney King! Guess at the end, some people got along....... stick to pull you out of the pool with...

   It's funny how the things I like most on a woman are the things I like most on chickens....... "Legs and breast."

   New Year Resolutions are silly to me. If you're not on the right path already, the change of a new year won't help. Its just another day, just a different number.

   Just farted in CVS. I basically can't be tamed.

   Why do we feel safe under a blanket? It's not like a murderer will come thinking "I'm going to ki....Oh damn they're under a blanket!"

   Thanks to Facebook, whenever I go to a really great restaurant, I never tip the server. Instead, I write "Bob likes this" on the wall, flash them a thumbs up and walk out.

   Men are like trees, they take forever to grow up.

   Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!

   and the most popular girl at a nudist colony is the one that can eat the last doghnut!

   Before you marry a person,, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.

   Tu pac's of Eminems used to cost 50 cents. Kanye believe it? Isn't that Ludacris? Wil-I-am glad they aren't as cheap now, or I'd be an even bigger Puff Daddy than I already am.

   If there's one thing I've learned, it's that I should have learned some other stuff.

   I dated a magician once; she put her hand on my leg and I turned into a motel.....

   I was going to change my facebook password to "penis" but it was rejected. Not long enough.

   remember when nobody cared what the bully at school did to you. you just learned how to get over it instead of blaming all your problems on the bully.

   When one's heart is filled with the desire for earthly things, there is no room left for the spirituality of God.

   Cop: you know why I pulled you over? Me: You thought I was black? Cop: Haha. Yep. You're free to go sir

   Every yawn is a potential blowjob if you're fast enough.

   got a little captain in him

   Its Jesus' birthday yet..... we're the ones getting the gifts.....How about that.