Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every time I find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks

   sarcastic comment loading... ████████████ 95% ... wait for it... wait for it..

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?

   Why has Skittles taken over everyones Facebook profile pictures???

   Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane

   All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

   People on the Left are like an old TV Set. They have to be slapped occasionally to get the picture.

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed

   Methinks someone in Washington has discovered that "Hope and Change" is a lot easier to say than it is to deliver .

   I will say, Have a fun and safe 4th. But I refuse to celebrate our Independence! Our fore fathers are turning over in their graves. Instead of gaining freedom we have lost and continue to lose freedoms every day.

   46 got lost in the Oval Office for the third time this week; thought he was in his basement and pee'd on the drapes again.

   BREAKING NEWS: Ben Affleck is cast as the next Batman, while Bradley ("Chelsea") Manning may appear in the next eX-man movie.

   my wife's pissed because she walked in while I was masterbating in the shower. OK, it was a baby shower, but still...

   Three favorite days of a boat owner: 1) The day he buys his boat 2) The day he sells his boat 3) The day a bomber is cornered in his boat.

   Here`s a bit of advice : advi

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   got arrested last night...apparently pushing a hot wheel down the highway at 3 a.m. is frowned upon

   Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!