Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   for those who never worked at a restaurant before, walking in 5 minutes before closings automatically entitles you to "special sauce" on whatever you order...

   so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??

   Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his iPad to comfort him, I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in Flash.

   Sh!t it's raining, f*ck it's lightning, dammit thunder, just cussing up a storm over here..

   for every husband who says that his wife cannot take a joke, he should remember that she took him...

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   knows God is no mechanic, but he gives great repairs!

   Every time I find the key for success someone goes and change all the locks

   sarcastic comment loading... ████████████ 95% ... wait for it... wait for it..

   I was walking through the cemetery the other day, and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning." he said, "No, just taking a sh*t"...

   What are the chances that someone on that missing plane has a volleyball?

   Why has Skittles taken over everyones Facebook profile pictures???

   Kim Kardashian's daughter must be wishing she was on that missing malaysian plane

   All this negativity in the world and I still remain Positive! -Magic Johnson

   People on the Left are like an old TV Set. They have to be slapped occasionally to get the picture.

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   Stopped by the apple store to see if they have a better phone than the Samsung Galaxy S3......ilaughed

   Methinks someone in Washington has discovered that "Hope and Change" is a lot easier to say than it is to deliver .

   I will say, Have a fun and safe 4th. But I refuse to celebrate our Independence! Our fore fathers are turning over in their graves. Instead of gaining freedom we have lost and continue to lose freedoms every day.

   46 got lost in the Oval Office for the third time this week; thought he was in his basement and pee'd on the drapes again.