Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   wishes you were beer

   Bristol Palin has called off her wedding. A Palin calling it quits? Say it isn't so.

   Hoping my dead grandma isn't watching EVERYTHING I do.....She would be pretty dissapointed in me!!

   what is 69 + 1? A threesome..

   If you're cooking alphabet soup on the stove and leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

   I DONT HAVE ANY TEQUILA... BUT THERE'S NO REASON you CANT STILL LICK, SUCK AND SWALLOW

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life

   will take scientific advice from the pope when he takes religious advice from Stephen Hawking.

   facebook sucks ass anymore.. whos wth me?? its like checking a fridge when you know theres nothing to eat!

   Below is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief: Click >HERE< to continue to next page. (Funny how we are ALWAYS there for everyone else.)

   A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

   Women look at men and see a potential mate. Men look at women and see a potential sex partner. I look at porn and beat off a lot.

   hey religion. we've just physically proved the big bang theory. your move...

   Why is it that the people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Gay people are such immaculate dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   My friend that works in the ER text. "there's a hottie in here with a shampoo bottle stuck in her V@gina." Me "ask her if she's on Twitter."

   Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic

   Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.

   Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...