Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something in your life

   will take scientific advice from the pope when he takes religious advice from Stephen Hawking.

   facebook sucks ass anymore.. whos wth me?? its like checking a fridge when you know theres nothing to eat!

   Below is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief: Click >HERE< to continue to next page. (Funny how we are ALWAYS there for everyone else.)

   A relationship where you can act like complete idiots together is the sweetest thing ever.

   Women look at men and see a potential mate. Men look at women and see a potential sex partner. I look at porn and beat off a lot.

   hey religion. we've just physically proved the big bang theory. your move...

   Why is it that the people who are the loudest about demanding respect are the ones who have done the least to earn it?

   Gay people are such immaculate dressers because they've spent a lot of time in the closet.

   My friend that works in the ER text. "there's a hottie in here with a shampoo bottle stuck in her V@gina." Me "ask her if she's on Twitter."

   Friend: Whatcha eating? Me: alphabet soup. Friend: looks like spaghetti to me. Me: It's in Arabic

   Awesome, if you tune in to the NFL Network right now they're showing how Madonna gets hoisted from her formaldehyde jar.

   Real Madrid Just Launched A New Bra today .. It has Alot of Support But still No Cup...

   for those who never worked at a restaurant before, walking in 5 minutes before closings automatically entitles you to "special sauce" on whatever you order...

   so, when two dudes marry, do they both stop giving BJ's??

   Having heard that Steve Jobs is in hospital with only his iPad to comfort him, I've decided to release the cure for pancreatic cancer into the public domain. But only in Flash.

   Sh!t it's raining, f*ck it's lightning, dammit thunder, just cussing up a storm over here..

   for every husband who says that his wife cannot take a joke, he should remember that she took him...

   Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

   knows God is no mechanic, but he gives great repairs!