Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil..

   Why didn't Lebron James go to college? Because he didn't want to show up for the finals.

   So what are you going to do with the $2500 you are going to save on insurance due to Obamacare?

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   When blakcs stop shooting each other by the thousands, I'll start worrying about the cops shooting two.

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Oatmeal is only good for the first 8 bites...then you start playing with it.

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I'm going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.

   If you can make a girl laugh - you can make her do anything.

   Hand jobs are like the WNBA a cheap imitation of something that men do better.

   wishes you were beer

   Bristol Palin has called off her wedding. A Palin calling it quits? Say it isn't so.

   Hoping my dead grandma isn't watching EVERYTHING I do.....She would be pretty dissapointed in me!!

   what is 69 + 1? A threesome..

   If you're cooking alphabet soup on the stove and leave it unattended, it could spell disaster.

   I DONT HAVE ANY TEQUILA... BUT THERE'S NO REASON you CANT STILL LICK, SUCK AND SWALLOW