Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was playing "FARMVILLE" when immigration showed up and took all my workers ! ! ! !

   Casey Anthony and OJ Simpson are having a party tonight. Bring your duct tape and gloves for a killer time.

   Next Easter falls on 4/20. If that's not a sign from God that weed should be legalized, I don't know what is.

   Saw my ex walking down the street. Where's Tony Stewart when you need him??

   if you live in America, you have to read and speak English.. otherwise you better just be visiting."

   I like my girls how I like my cheese: Fat free American singles

   Blonde: "What do OMG, IDK, IDC, and GTG mean?? Brunette: Oh my God, I don't know, I don't care, and got to go" Blonde: Well, that's a bit rude fine bye

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals built the Titanic

   the kids next door have challenged me to a water balloon fight. just updating my status while waiting on the water to boil..

   Why didn't Lebron James go to college? Because he didn't want to show up for the finals.

   So what are you going to do with the $2500 you are going to save on insurance due to Obamacare?

   “I love Christmas lights. They remind me of the people who voted for Hillary. They all hang together; half of them don't work, and the ones that do, aren't that bright.

   When blakcs stop shooting each other by the thousands, I'll start worrying about the cops shooting two.

   Let's talk about Potassium.........K?

   Attention friends who don't understand humor,,, please do not attempt to reply to the posts of us who have humorous whit,,,, it's beyond your skill level.

   Oatmeal is only good for the first 8 bites...then you start playing with it.

   Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

   Precision. Concentration. Patience & Fearlessness. 4 skills I possess whilst shavin my nuts that I wish I could apply to other aspects of my life!

   Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I'm going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.

   If you can make a girl laugh - you can make her do anything.