Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I thought I was swerving to avoid hitting a baby deer today, but it turned out to be a smart car with those stupid antlers on it!"

   The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I'm above average at something!!

   My therapist says I'm paranoid, which is exactly what you might expect from a shapeshifting lizard hired by the CIA to track my whereabouts.

   if I was a cab driver I'd yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger

   Math question: There are 36 Oreos in a 14.3oz package. If Mike eats 3 of those cookies, how many minutes before he's like screw it and eats the rest?

   My neighbor put the box his new fridge came in on the curb this morning for recycling pickup. Guess who has a new fort.

   I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems

   So thankful my childhood was filled with imagination and bruises from playing outside. Instead of apps and how many likes you can get on a selfie.

   Can you even imagine how long the Carfax report is on the Batmobile

   PRO TIP: You can put a baseball card between the spokes on a Prius, and make it sound like a real car

   Some of these Giraffe profile pictures are a vast improvement.

   Men are born with a gene that allows them to know what the hell is going on in movies.

   Religion is like a buffet. People take what they like and ignore the rest..

   I accidentally did yoga once when I couldn't reach the toilet paper.

   The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for half an hour...

   So far so good. haven't heard anyone use the word SWAG this year.

   mother nature... turning february into white history month...

   Why is it that when you finally make something idiot-proof along comes a better idiot?

   Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy

   Sometimes I feel moderately intelligent. Other times I have to sing the "ABCs" in my head to remember which letter comes next.