Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Landline !

   Been chewing for over 50 years now......you'd think I'd know where the insides of my cheeks are by now.

   I'm white, so my touchdown dance would just be filing my income taxes on time.

   Damn you're hot, but I've met fuzzy toilet seat covers more interesting than you.

   Hey Emo girl,,,,, what if you got a bunch of eyebrow rings,,, and put up little curtains over your eyes,,,,,, I bet you could really sleep better then

   I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.

   You know you're an adult when the prize at the bottom of a cerealnbox is regular bowel movements

   My Wife told me that in some cultures Men do all the housework and cooking, so I told her in some cultures shopping every Sunday don't exist. She's busy Cooking now

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   No, my status is not about you. I have other important things in my life.

   Nobody likes whorish olive oil.

   If you're really going to make me choose sides I guess I'll go with fries and a coke.

   Some people are just not worth my energy.

   My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

   Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.

   I call em' blackish brown paper weights. You call them bananas.

   Pizza... It's what's for Breakfast

   WIFE..is giving out free broom rides tonight

   Using Candy from last yr for "trick or treaters" =)

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.