Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're an adult when the prize at the bottom of a cerealnbox is regular bowel movements

   My Wife told me that in some cultures Men do all the housework and cooking, so I told her in some cultures shopping every Sunday don't exist. She's busy Cooking now

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   No, my status is not about you. I have other important things in my life.

   Nobody likes whorish olive oil.

   If you're really going to make me choose sides I guess I'll go with fries and a coke.

   Some people are just not worth my energy.

   My life is like 1-ply toilet paper..I get the job done but I have no idea how.

   Only if people could take the energy they use to assume and use it to search for facts.

   I call em' blackish brown paper weights. You call them bananas.

   Pizza... It's what's for Breakfast

   WIFE..is giving out free broom rides tonight

   Using Candy from last yr for "trick or treaters" =)

   It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

   Admit it, we've all tried to splash water in our face like the commercials.

   My girlfriend said we can't hang out this weekend because she doesn't exist.

   I'd like to help, but not as much as I'd like not to.

   Kim Cattrall must be pretty tired of acting like she's sexy.

   I will be the first rapper to rap about the troubles of programming a spare Garage Door Opener remote.

   Women like foreign accents my ass… I've been talking like Marvin the Martian all night and haven't gotten one single phone number.