Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic

   "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens

   thanks to my typo I posted "Had a good first date last night. I licked her alot." I won't be getting a second date.

   I spend 87% of my energy to appear normal.

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   I must be grown up, I suffer from Vodka Vision, not beer goggles...

   Since you've turned this fairy tale marriage into a horror film, I'll be in the kitchen getting some knives.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?

   Most of troubles and hate games in the world is made by ugly insecure people.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself

   Having a bad day? For every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   If your going to Facebook stalk me please have the decency to comment or like things form time to time..... I mean really, whats the good of having a stalker if you don't know your being stalked in the first place!

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."