Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to zumba but usually its only because I'm either trying to put on my socks, tie my shoes, or put on my underwear!

   My wife is out of town for the weekend... I've already slid across the floor in my socks and underwear...... Now what?

   Girls who don't want to go out with me have either read my jokes or have looked at me.

   We only stalk the ones we love.

   I must be grown up, I suffer from Vodka Vision, not beer goggles...

   Since you've turned this fairy tale marriage into a horror film, I'll be in the kitchen getting some knives.

   Can I just get a degree based on how many song lyrics I know?

   Most of troubles and hate games in the world is made by ugly insecure people.

   I miss you like The Biggest Loser contestants miss high fructose corn syrup.

   Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself

   Having a bad day? For every episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, each Kardashian makes $80,000. I hope this cheered you up a little.

   Some people are in a long distance relationship with common sense.

   If your going to Facebook stalk me please have the decency to comment or like things form time to time..... I mean really, whats the good of having a stalker if you don't know your being stalked in the first place!

   Only because I take things ever so personally, from now on, when someone posts FML, I'll assume they mean "Fermenting My Liver."

   If we used our words more often for good things, what a wonderful place this could be.

   Don't fool yourself, give others a chance also.

   Yes dear I can put your keys in my handbag. Yes and your wallet dear. Oh sure your phone too. You sure you don't want a handbag for yourself

   The day Rick Ross jumps into the crowd will be the day we find out who his LOYAL fans are.

   You're closest to death when you speak to me after I just woke up from a nap.

   There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.