Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.

   Yeah,, yeah... I'm just putting our meeting in my calendar...... ( shakes etch-a-sketch )

   Please take everything I tweet seriously because I never use sarcasm and thoroughly enjoy explaining things to strangers on the Internet

   If at first you don't succeed, you should have done it my way in the first place.

   This entire time I thought YOLO was a new frozen yogurt store.

   Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?

   A dirty diaper doesn’t double as a dishrag, and a politician doesn’t double as a savior

   Why is it that women don't know what they want but they complain if they don't get it?

   Talk is cheap. Unless your a rap artist...

   So, if Miley Cyrus and the Beebs had a baby it would make honey boo boo look like the royal baby! .. and she could hump its Teddy Bears !

   You haven't lived until you've been thrown out of your favourite restaurant.

   Getting married fulfilled all my dreams of having scheduled sex with my clothes on

   Adele sounds so different when you're not on your period.

   I wish I got as excited to see other humans as my dog gets when he sees other dogs.

   Those womens volleyball uniforms look like what my Uncle Ralph wore to our 4th of July picnic

   "Thank god that day is over"-- Chikens

   thanks to my typo I posted "Had a good first date last night. I licked her alot." I won't be getting a second date.

   I spend 87% of my energy to appear normal.

   The key to a relationship is both of you staring silently at your phones as the emotionless fog ushers you into the cold embrace of death.

   I've been desperate, but never "I'm all out of bullets so I'll throw the gun at you" desperate.