Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No officer, my speech isn't slurred. I'm just talking in cursive.

   If you can't afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don't know where you are!

   surrounded by askholes today... yes, "askholes" as in people who constantly ask you stupid questions.

   I'll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

   In case anyone is wondering, it's 72 degrees and partly cloudy in India today. The only reason I know this is because I just had a pleasant conversation with a Customer Service rep from Bank of America....

   Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 42,337 times,, and you are a weather man.

   Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver.

   I don't know about Samuel Jackson doing Capitol One commercials. Something about an angry black man asking what's in my wallet makes me very nervous.

   Repeat after me: It doesn't matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won't solve it.

   Deleting my Facebook soon" = "Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important"

   I read a report that said the typical symptoms of stress were eating too much, drinking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Who are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day.

   The wizard of oz is the ultimate chick flick, two women trying to kill each other over shoes

   I have discovered that there are two sides to every argument. First and foremost, there is my side, and then there is the side that no reasonably intelligent, informed, sane, and self-respecting person could possibly hold.

   My bank is the worst. They're charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can't even afford to be broke.

   A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke...

   When I bang my toe against something it's like I pressed a button that plays all the curse words I know

   I think my "check engine" light has finally burned out. So that's good.

   All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don't subject an innocent cat to a life with you.

   Oh Mickey, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind. Hey Mickey. Hey Hey Mickey!..face it you didn't read that, you sang it.

   I don't know where you got your opinion, but I hope you kept the receipt.