Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just spent 15 minutes searching for the remote to my surround sound receiver.. Couldn't find it so in frustration I went up and manually pushed the power button. What is this world coming too????

   earth has people who have done great things like go to the moon and discover pizza then it has idiots who have spent money on selfie sticks.

   Yes I will disappoint you, but I will disappoint you with style.

   So much anxiety, so little weed!

   Going in to talk to my financial advisor feels a lot like going in to talk to my middle school principal.

   If you don’t catch me before I take off my bra, then all plans are off.

   If you can moonwalk, that better be the first thing I know about you.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about grains of wheat that could've become beer, but didn't.

   I said I was hungry, she thought I said I was horny. Long story short, best first date ever..

   BJ's, because sometimes its easier than cooking dinner.

   I think you missed your true calling as a pinata.

   "You make me a better person" - Me talking to my beer!

   I bet Ke$ha's parents, €arl and £inda, are super ashamed of her.

   Not one back to school special on beer. Whatkind of world do we live in.

   january 2014: "this will be my year" august 2014: "I swear 2015 will be my year"

   I've decided that I'm never going to get back to my original weight and I'm OK with that. After all, 6 lbs 7 oz. isn't a realistic expectation.

   The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that there is soul mate out there for all of us. What if your soulmate existed at a different timeline, and you missed each other by 2 centuries?

   The pharmacist asked if I had any questions so I asked where he lived and where he keeps his office keys

   Dateline gives excellent tips on killing someone.

   If weekdays were food, Mondays would be a saltine.