Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just realised something; all my role models, idols and people I look upto were all on drugs!! :p

   Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate a&& who owns this phone. Thanks :)

   the Pill, something that prevents women from becoming mothers turns 50 on Mother's Day. Coincidence??

   Mother's Day Warning: You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

   saw a commercial for the United In Rock Tour (Styx, Foreigner, Kansas) and I thought to myself "I hope they don't play in Arizona...because Foreigner would be screwed."

   People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world"

   Before an argument with your wife/girlfriend, they should read you your Miranda rights........because whatever you say WILL be used against you.

   On Gilligan's Island, how did Ginger have so many different outfits when they were only going on a 3 hour tour?

   If you are innocent until proven guilty, they why are you arrested and sent to jail before your trial?

   They should really outlaw cursive handwriting nowadays. Especially for the ones who can't spell.

   Dont kill yourself to LIVE!!!

   a woman of many moods...and they all require chocolate

   Welcome to psychoville...!!!!!!!!!!!

   Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

   Pedro, just listen to your heart. That's what I do." -Napoleon Dynamite

   Sometimes, it's not so easy being Fearless Leader.

   could easily become the "Crazy Cat Lady" for Halloween. I could wear my everyday clothes and pin all the neighborhood strays to them......

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   BBC Sport: "Liverpool want Fanni" - Don't we all.

   Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.