Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.

   Depression is the new religion.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   you know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.

   Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!

   Top 3 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs.

   I've always been told to dress for the job you want. I love my cape

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again...

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles...

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   20 Years ago today, me and my wife got married.. And yes you can get less for murder

   If there's any indication of my laziness... just ask the dime in my wash machine, that used to be a quarter.

   Just walked in the room and the girl on the news was saying"we like it to be at least 10 inches but we prefer it to be longer than 12 inches.She was talking about people donating hair.Thank goodness.

   Evidently,,,,,, my admirers are all secret

   TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.

   My girlfriend accused me of faking it in bed last night, and she was right. I wasn't asleep at all.

   The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is sure, just talk about Passive Aggressive Club all you want... No, It's fine. Go ahead.. I don't mind.. WHATEVER..

   Get drunk and screw = dating ... Get drunk and argue = married