Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those women on the Real Housewives. I'm not sure what's more fake: their personalities or their breasts

   You should come with a warning sign and possibly one of those flashing red DANGER AHEAD lights.

   whenver ur alone & need a hug, just remember....so does a cactus

   The Catholic Church is in shock over something that hasn't occurred since 1415 AD. It ran out of mix for its annual Pancake Breakfast.

   I assume Cupid saw his shadow this year...

   Remember the old days? When you use to be able to throw a hooker out of a moving car, and they'd charge her with littering.

   From the first time I met you I knew that I have to run away from you for the rest of my life

   Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as Harry Potter's wand.

   Depression is the new religion.

   You inspire my inner serial killer.

   you know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.

   Be beautiful on the inside.....eat more glitter!!

   Top 3 forms of birth control: 1. Condoms. 2. the pill. 3. Crocs.

   I've always been told to dress for the job you want. I love my cape

   What's the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other one is a walrus.

   GIRLFRIEND: “You're leaving after I gave you the best years of my life?” ME: “If those were your best, then I ain’t sticking around for your worst.”

   SITTING at a stop light and had a group of cute ladies stop next to me and wave. I smiled and waved back, only to soon realize they were waving at the guys in the Camero on my right. Felt like high school all over again...

   I read quantum physics magazines for the particles...

   After a long weekend without your phone, you learn what's really important in life. Your phone.

   20 Years ago today, me and my wife got married.. And yes you can get less for murder