Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Facebook is great for reminding me why I lost touch with certain people in the first place.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   if I wanted a "home cooked" meal, I'd stay home and cook!

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery but there's no plot.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying "LOL".

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen

   Dear Mark Zuckerberg.: HA-HA!!! --MySpace Tom

   I just ate at the Olive Garden for the first time. It felt just like being in Tuscany,, And by Tuscany,, I mean the break room of a Radio Shack

   Whenever I see someone calling my phone, I wait and see if they will call 10 times, if they don't, it probably wasn't that important.

   If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of vodka and not a milk carton, because then I know for sure that my friends will remember to look for me!

   Never wave to a proctologist...You may get the finger in return!

   Having trouble with your iPhone saying “No Service”? Just put your shirt and shoes back on.