Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullsh$t

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   If you play a Nicki Minaj song and a Snoop song at the same time, you can understand what they're saying

   Wife: Hey babe! How's your "Boy's Night Out" going? Me: Don't hang up! They say I only get one phone call..

   Just poured a packet of Jello powder in the fishbowl while my fish was asleep. PUNK'D!

   Facebook is great for reminding me why I lost touch with certain people in the first place.

   I hope popcorn appreciates what the microwave did for its career.

   if I wanted a "home cooked" meal, I'd stay home and cook!

   A perfect relationship is one which the only thing you fight about is who gets to hold the camera when you're fvcking...

   Trying to write a screenplay about an overcrowded cemetery but there's no plot.

   Wow... I just met someone that actually IS as stupid as they look.

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a lame reply saying "LOL".

   Why do people say "no offense" when they're about to offend someone?

   My girlfriend told me I'm awful in bed. I don't know how she can tell in 30 seconds.

   Women must love you because you are the biggest d!ck I have ever seen