Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm getting use to the straight jacket, but this typing with your tongue is such bullsh*t!!

   I love when my friends tell me they have 3 or 4 days off from work. Then want to make plans to go out and expect me to pay the bill because their check sucked. Well maybe your a$$ should of went to work instead of bragging about being off.

   A relationship without trust is like a phone without service. All you do is play games...

   I got some tarter control toothpaste. I still got tarter but that sh*t is under control. 

   reached an ALL TIME LOW. Just told my boss he had some dirt on his forehead... Thank You Ash Wednesday.

   I wish liquor stores were like my ex girlfriend, open 24/7 and really cheap *rj*

   WHAT DO WE WANT..?..WHEN DO WE WANT IT..? We don't know.!! -Women's protest rally.

   Teachers are a bad influence on our kids. For one thing, some of them are nearly 40 and still in the third grade.

   finds that I tend to say “I don't know” when I'm too lazy to think.

   the only reason I enjoy Christmas is because it is the one time of the year that my habit of sitting in front of a dead tree, eating chocolates out of my socks, whilst waiting for a strange fat man to enter my house, is considered a normal event!

   The most patriotic thing I've done this year is not watch American Idol.

   New Years Resolution #1 Incorporate bacon into a majority of my meals.

   The NCAA is going to run this new commercial, "There are 11 players on Clemson's defense, and all of them will be going pro in something other than sports".

   Every girl I bring home is unemployed, drunk and on drugs. I'm starting to think that whole "opposites attract" thing is bullsh$t

   Some people's standards don't match their face.

   "I wasn't that high!" "Dude, you walked into class, late, sat down & tried to put your seatbelt on."

   If anyone ever tells you “Good Luck in your future endeavors” It's just a polite way to say “Go ███████ Your self!” :P

   If a girl doesn't squeeze toothpaste from the bottom up, never ask her for a handjob.

   Bills are like pubes; better when you don't have any.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"