Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'd rather die than commit suicide.

   If you need space then work at NASA

   Slut is such an ugly word. How about "dong bandit"?

   for fun text the last person you slept with and say "im pregnant, dont worry I'll contact Maury for us"

   I may be Schizophrenic.......but at least I have each other.

   Driving a rental car means never knowing the safest place to wipe a booger without haphazardly finding someone else's.

   A cop texted me to pull over.

   LIKE If your texting speed automatically increases when you're angry.

   Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.

   Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during s3x.

   I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.

   The scene was in Braveheart not Gladiator, get your movies straight

   The opening to OKC-Lakers 2nd half is the perfect commercial for Southwest airlines. Hey Mike Brown, want to get away?

   My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…

   at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to

   "Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.

   When the police car has its lights and sirens on it means the cop wants to race, right?

   A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

   How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing

   Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.