Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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LIKE If your texting speed automatically increases when you're angry. 
Well, it's almost that time of year I find out who my real friends are when I start getting calls from friends I haven't heard from since last Summer. You know, since I have a swimming pool and all.
Why do married men hang strobe lights from their bedroom ceilings? To create the optical illusion that their wives are moving during s3x.
I hope I never become one of those dads who yells, "Shut the door, you're letting all the cold air out!" like some sort of cold air hoarder.
The scene was in Braveheart not Gladiator, get your movies straight
The opening to OKC-Lakers 2nd half is the perfect commercial for Southwest airlines. Hey Mike Brown, want to get away?
My birthday suit used to fit much better than this…
at the end of the day what really matters is not much. if you laughed more than you cried,smiled more than you frowned,told your friends and family that you loved them,and had a pretty good time doing what you do for a living,then it was a good day. go to
"Hey, can you spot me, bro?" - Waldo.......at the gym.
When the police car has its lights and sirens on it means the cop wants to race, right?
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
How can everyone have the "best gf/bf in the world" on Facebook? I'm pretty sure someone is lieing
Correcting typos matter. Its the different between addressing a letter to Santa or Satan. It could save a child's soul.
I shall open my own deli and my slogan will be: "No one beats my meat!"
Now that I'm older I'm starting realize when my mom made me let her check my candy...It wasn't her way of trying to save me from the bad candy...She just wanted too steal the good stuff for herself...Thanks Mom
Since when did remembering names become such a thing? I think I offended dog face girl, again.
Give a man a beer, drink for an hour. Teach a man to brew, drink for a lifetime. Give a man a wine cooler & you'll get knocked the f*ck out.
Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your girlfriend
doesn't want a happy ending... that implies something has to end. I want a fantastic right now! :D
9 words to live by... IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE OFFICER ;) 