Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It was so cold this morning she actually saw a solicitor with his hands in his own pockets!

   my wife is so immature... I would be in the bath and she would come home and sink my boats

   12/20/2012 Doomsday Party. mark your mayan calendar!

   You guys, this is my first ever facebook status update sent from a toilet. Did I do good?

   I wish Brett Favre would stop texting me photos of himself. The guy is getting out of control.

   Lawrence Taylor quote: "I'm not a rapist but I did stay at a holiday inn express last night"

   Q: How do you make four old ladies say  ‘FUCK!'?  A: Get a fifth one to yell  ‘BINGO!' 

   I use my cellphone as a flashlight, and hit random buttons to keep it lit.

   You guys mind if I get this out of the way a little early? Thanks. Dear Monday, I hate you.

   Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, “Man, did you see the size of that bug?”

   Women need a reason to have sex.. Men just need a place

   Nothing scares the government quiet like an educated citizen...

   purchased $1,000 worth of beer, drank all the beer, turned in the aluminum cans for recycling, you would have $214.00. Therefore, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg Plan!

   Life, Karma and Payback walk into a bar. BlTCH NIGHT OUT!

   I bet she's being a royal pain in the ass right about now.

   I had a minute left on the car vac timer, so I vacuumed out my dandruff. If that isn't efficiency, I don't know what is.

   Everyone pretends to die in front of their dog, just to see how they would react

   it just me or do country line dancers look like redneck zombies??

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug her life support system should my phone need charging....

   I was going to post a status about pizza but it was too cheezy