Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a guy says he wants to get to know you, he means he wants to get to know your boobs.

   Some days I can't get my earbuds in far enough.

   "I don't feel good." -James Brown's last words.

   Woooooo whoooo!! Just got an email from mark zuckerberg's secratarty stating that I just won 4.5mill all they need is 3k from me to release the funds, just sent them my banking info , Aruba here I come!!! suckkkerrsss!!

   I drank too much over the holidays. I was at the doctor's yesterday and gave a urine sample. It had an olive in it.

   I’m going to Hell. Anybody want anything?

   Where are all these beautiful singles in my area that want to meet me. I keep getting a popup with photo's of several ladies, However I have never noticed them at wal-mart, the grocery store, church, or anywhere around here. I Think this may be a scam!!

   The Touch, the Feel of Lindsay Lohan; the crackhead of our lives

   Sex is like the Star Wars trilogy... there's an invasion, penetration, an explosion and in the end everyone's happy.

   So tell me, how DO you keep up with all your lies?

   Where do you go if you're addicted to rehab?

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet

   I miss the simplicity of 90s.. I also miss the fact that artists in the 90s actually got "talent".

   How is it C-3PO is fluent in 6 million languages, yet in none of them can manage to say, "I'm gay?"

   my daughter is 6 years old and she thinks she needs thinks a training bra...if you still draw outside the lines with your crayons I think you should wait baby...

   ..Liverpool f.c. built by Shanks, played by planks, watched by cranks, and ruined by Yanks....... thanks..

   thinks the armed forces needs to enlist ninjas..who's ever looking for a ninja?

   If the batteries in our T.V remote are dead … Why do we keep pushing the button until our fingers hurt ?

   Gun control is using both hands & hitting your target!

   Figured I'm pretty smart--it took me all summer, but.. I found all the paw-prints, put them in my notebook, sat down in my thinking chair...& ... I just figured out Blue's Clues & what it's all about!