Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must have ordered the "Johnny Cash" at Taco Bell cuz now I'm experiencing a "Ring of Fire" in the bathroom!

   God, give back Bob Marley and take Justin Bieber instead

   Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take all the time you need.

   That "Ah dammit!" moment when you wake up and use the bathroom and your urine goes in 5 different directions soaking everything but the toilet itself.

   I hate when fat people say, “You couldn't walk a mile in my shoes”, I am like, “Look here Fatty, you couldn't walk a mile in your own shoes either.”

   P.E.T.A. says that turkeys are now so fat, they can't stand up. They're prone to heart attacks, and they have trouble mating.Oh wait, I'm sorry. That's what the turkeys say about Americans.

   Kourtney Kardashian's pregnant. Which is awesome, because I was just starting to think that there aren't NEARLY enough Kardashians

   I disagree with all the bad language in p0rnography nowadays, shouting all that rude stuff. Come on now, there are children watching!

   Found some chips in the bag of air I just bought!

   When the light turns yellow I don't know if I should gas it or slam on the brakes, so I do both

   I always keep a Mexican restaurant on speed dial in queso emergency.

   Victoria's Secret: She vomits after every meal.

   I swear I am tired of Hearing SOME Females be like: I am mixed with Black, Dominican, White and Indian. Shut your Ass up you are sounding like a damn science experiment to me.

   I'm surprised the whiny P.C. police haven't protested "A Christmas Story" yet; after all, it's about a boy who wants a gun for Xmas.

   Not feeling smart today? Just remember there are grown adults who actually still actually believe Hillary Clinton.

   Church last night talked about Jesus turning water into wine. Reminds me of when I saw some of you turn entire student loans into beer

   remove money from a relationship and see if it still stands.

   There any women out here looking to $exually abuse a grown man. Asking for a friend. . .

   “You wore that before” yea because it’s my shirt and I have a washing machine!