Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   if a deaf boy cusses in sign language, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

   so poor that he cant even pay attention

   gave an atheist a bible today, he just couldn't believe it.

   waiting for Congress to demand hearings on the $45M bailout and golden parachute for Conan O'Brien. Oh wait, we only do that for CEOs of large companies - my bad.

   It takes 37 muscles to frown, 17 to smile...but only 3 to pull a trigger

   Last week,i did a bit of stand up at an old folks home. Tough crowd. They wouldn't answer my Knock-Knock jokes until I showed some I.D.

   I met this girl who was so ugly that Facebook banned her profile pic and sent her back to Myspace.

   Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.

   a Blonde just texted me and asked "what does idk stand for? " I said "i dont know" she said "omg! nobody does!"

   When you meet someone online & you fall in love is that considered love & first site?

   Was that lightning?" Nooo... they're taking pictures for google earth

   Me: "Can we have Up Dog for dinner?" Mom: "What is up dog?" Me: "nothin just chilling

   Dude, She just called you deaf.... "What?", She just called you deaf, "What?" SHE CALLED YOU DEAF, "Oh hell no my names not Beth.

   Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

   If you don't like gay marriage blame straight people. They're the ones who keep on having gay babies.

   Everyone deserves to be treated equally. It doesnt matter if your gay or black or a woman or normal.

   My dentist saw The Lion King twelve times.

   Here's an idea. While everyone is taking a knee for the National Anthem, let's stop the music and announce "Since we are all kneeling, let us pray....."

   I slept in this really nice hotel, the towels were so thick I could barely close my suitcase

   if you have ever pushed a door that said pull .