Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Okay. Wait, stop stabbing me for a sec." MURDERER: "K."

   I use Google to check if I have internet connection more than I use Google to Google.

   The saddest part of the recession is all of the laid-off workers at the C+C Music Factory

   I thought Billy Crystal was a type of meth.. #Oscars

   My favorite part of Thanksgiving is stuffing the turkey. By turkey I mean the hot cashier at the grocery store.

   If a polar bear could survive on the Sun, I guess it would be a solar bear.

   If her shoes still light up, she's too young for you.

   So now that Osama came out and saw his shadow and got killed does that mean we still have 2 more years of Obama?

   This huge fat girl asked me how she looked in her short tight dress... I said PRECIOUS!

   A woman who smokes automatically becomes 75% less attractive to most guys.

   My Love Life is currently like NCAA mens Basketball, Its down to the FINAL FOUR! But My Wife has the homecourt Advantage!

   stopped to think and forgot to start again

   I was sitting at the dinner table last night and I meant to say pass the mashed potatoes but I let it slip you stupid B@#ch you've ruined my life

   "I created the entire universe for the sake of one group of one species on one planet in one solar system in one galaxy." - GOD

   90% of the refugees are young men, not women and kids.

   Colonized means "Inhabited by a foreign race or power." Inhabited means, "Lived in." Foreign means, "Not from your country." Just in case you're struggling with that one, Yank. You're welcome.

   No matter how bad your day seems, just remember someone has to clean the bathroom at TacoBell

   If a woman eva pulls a knife on you during an argument,pull out some bread,cheese &mayo.Her instincts will kick in &she'll make you a sandwich.

   Nobody can MAKE the Yuletide gay. It's not a choice. That's how it was born.

   Nothing starts your day on the wrong foot like cutting your shower short to drop a duece...