Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I really miss my younger days because I was a lot less closer to death.

   Evaluate the people in your life; Then promote, demote or terminate! You're the CEO of your life....

   I just got bukkaked by a Krispy Kreme

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture :)

   Have sex with someone who loves your soul more than your body and you'll climax every time.

   All I'm saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   Of course I care about you, I put my d*ck in your mouth didn't I? - Men

   doin it and doin it and doin it well

   I'm ready for hoodies, bonfires, cuddling, and the beautiful colors of fall.

   didn't go to highschool, he went to school high

   discovered last weekend that if you play a Nickelback album backwards, you hear satanic messages. What's even worse is, if you play it forward, you hear Nickelback.

   Soccer fans should just accept the the fact that, for good reason, nobody outside the USA cares about anything outside the USA.

   I'm beginning to think that I buy bananas just to watch them die a slow death in my kitchen..

   Kanye West is losing it and even black folks are turning against his self-aggrandizing ass.

   I blame my farts on the dog so regularly that now every time I let one rip, she slinks away in shame.

   Wouldn't it be ironic if you found out you were conceived on a pull out couch?

   Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich..........

   We built this city on rock n roll, and BTW,,,,,The streets have no names. The midnight train only goes to Georgia. Every stairway climb to heaven.. *this town is a wreck.

   Donald, you don't want to be "that guy" at 83 years old still searching for Obama's birth certificate