Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Even God hates BP! Lightning struck the tanker today and started a fire!

   The greatest lesson we can learn from the past. . . is that freedom is at the core of every successful nation in the world... Liberty is the right to choose. Freedom is the result of the right choice!

   Forget the damn past. Remember the lesson.

   Look at your status, now back to mine. Now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting useless idiocy and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, now back up. Where are you? You're on Facebook,

   Oh Snap! Looked outside and there's white stuff all over the ground... Either it's snowing or Lindsay Lohan dropped her stash...

   the only difference between a oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is the taste

   we all make mistakes in our lives, just be strong enough to pick youself up, dust it off & walk away with your head held high. no one is perfect

   Happy 50th Birthday Bubble Wrap!!!!!

   just got back from getting breakfast at Sonic. Had to park in the handicapped space cuz it was the only 1...............wait..............why is there a handicapped space at Sonic?!?

   wants to join the "cereal box" dating service. I've dated enough flakes and nuts...all I want is the prize now ;)

   Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon? Great food but no atmosphere.

   My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

   New Years forecast: Partly drunk with scattered shots with 100 % chance of getting laid!

   Waxing every inch of male body hair is still more masculine than saying the word 'Man-scaping.'

   Can you smoke stem cells?

   "Will, you, Mary, Me" -- invitation to an orgy.

   Giving someone a trash bag full of yellow Starbursts is so much more fulfilling than saying "I hate you."

   I just dropped my iPhone in liquor, and now Siri is slurring her words, won't stop talking, stumbling and trying to have sex with me.

   what if all we had tommarow was what we gave thanks to god for today?

   The English language is the easiest to learn because even if you get it wrong, so do most of the natives