Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my relationship status and my underwear situation are one in the same. (It's complicated)

   Wouldn't it be great if elevators replaced all their buttons with a single Surprise Me button?

   men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from woman : a little bit support and a little bit of freedom

   If you're paddling upstream in a canoe and a wheel falls off, how many pancakes fit in a doghouse? None! Ice cream doesn't have bones!!! Happy 4/20

   There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

   I won't say this Jack in the Box is dirty, but there's a sign in the restroom that says "Employees Must Wipe Their Asses."

   If Dippin Dots is, in fact, the ice cream of the future, then is it safe to assume the future is terrible?

   as confused as a hungry baby in a topless bar....

   Big Shout out goin out to all the pretty chics that look ugly when they turn the lights on at the end of the night in the club. You're all special in the dark. =)

   Here's an original idea: Invent a mirror that reflects the way others see you so you won't be blinded by your opinion of your reflection

   If Febreze is really that damn good then maybe they should consider putting a douche on the market.

   Some people just need a kiss...on the side of the head...with a metal bat

   A Doctor working in a Nursing Home found that 90% of his patients were really concerned about laxatives. The rest could give a sh!t.

   Everyone talks about a Smartalec. Sadly the Dumbalecs remain unmentioned.

   I hate it when you finally fall in love & your girlfriend's all "Who are you? Put down my dog. I'm calling the police."

   Dear waiter: Please don't ask me how my food tastes soon after I take a huge bite. Sincerely, My mouth is full so I can't answer.

   I met the girl of my dreams last night, then I woke up.

   Hitting your hip on a corner and feeling like you've been shot. 

   :Men, we all know the real reason there's always one missing sock. Shame. That's why.

   I go to subway to eat healthy, but for whatever reason, I end up making a sub that would fill up a family.