Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having sex is like vacuuming; It should be loud enough to scare your pets, involve a whole lot of sucking, and it's best if you do it often in every room of the house.

   My neighbor bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now she can't sneak up on the cat to put it on him.

   ***BREAKING*** Jodi Arias found GUILTY of 1st Degree Murder, Now lets find them 3 kidnapping brothers guilty too!

   Wow, that's a nice looking pair of crocs!" - Said by no one. Ever.

   Hey, I just met you and girl you look crazy. What brands your make up, Crayola maybe?

   I like my women like I like my glasses, sitting on my face

   "Pew pew pew! Pew pew!" - excitable church architect.

   With the over-abundance of retards running around, you'd think their buses would be longer.

   If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.

   Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate

   How on Earth did Gorillas become experts on glue, they live in the rain forest. What are they gluing?

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   Daylight savings tonight.. Happy extra hour of drinking everyone!!!!

   Kanye West compared being a rapper to BEING AT WAR ."This is like being a police officer or something or like war or something." "You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.".No Kanye being an idiot is!

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...

   I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.