Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With the over-abundance of retards running around, you'd think their buses would be longer.

   If two people are happy together... you leave them the fu&k alone.

   Taking awful cold medicine as a kid taught me how to take shots in college.

   Ladies,there's something called "you can't get pregnant through the mouth".

   wonders if I have ever eaten an egg that came from a chicken I ate

   How on Earth did Gorillas become experts on glue, they live in the rain forest. What are they gluing?

   Everytime I see someone wearing camo, I run right into them. The I apologize profusely, claiming that I "didn't see them"

   Here's a joke about ebola, you probably won't get it though.

   Daylight savings tonight.. Happy extra hour of drinking everyone!!!!

   Kanye West compared being a rapper to BEING AT WAR ."This is like being a police officer or something or like war or something." "You're literally going out to do your job every day knowing that something could happen to you.".No Kanye being an idiot is!

   I just heard that in order to show no hard feelings, Phil has ordered the staff at Duck Commander to increase production of pink duck calls by 25%!! What a guy...

   I wish I loved anything as much as New Yorkers love to tell you they're from New York.

   Ladies; Don't listen to a man who says he can tell your temperature with his pen*s. It's fun, but inaccurate.

   If you "like" a photo from 2013, you just announced you're a creepy mf'er.

   My wife looks at me when I'm folding laundry the same way I look at her when she is eating a banana.

   Look, nobody can tell the sex of your baby, so please either pierce it's ears or draw a mustache on that ambiguous little mother f*cker

   Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 four times. It’s that easy.

   Terhuj bloody hassjth for gholpy draboplish wankers figli. Haha -Ozzy Osborne

   You should always listen when a woman speaks - unless she's crazy, then pay close attention.

   I just met a girl, she is very pretty, super nice and her bike seat smells like strawberries