Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you google "Republican Debate" your computer starts to yawn.

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.

   Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   Can't figure out why people that wave, think that any action they take is permissible? Sure...cut me off, speed up in front of me....but as long as you wave your hand at me...its okay?!?!

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Excuse me, Mr. Pirate, but are you aware that there is a steering wheel stuck in the front of your pants? "Arrhh, Matey," he nods, "Its driving me nuts!"

   they should have captured bin laden, tied him to a tree filled with ants, then let all his victims stab him with a toothpick to death

   Born Free and Taxed to death!

   decided that I am not an alcoholic...I am an extreme social partier with a drinking habit...I say habit because a problem is something you want to fix!"

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….

   I think I'm going to have my OCD support group meeting at my home today. If nothing else, at least my house will get cleaned...

   Until noon tomorrow, I would like to be called only by my street name- White Chocolate Filling. Please update your records.

   thinks as a male, I will always feel judged when buying hand lotion….

   My new girlfriend really takes my breath away!!......She's inflatable.

   Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip

   There is no Hell. There is only France. --Frank Zappa

   There's a Facebook group titled "Dear, Kanye West if Justin Bieber wins another award you know what to do"