Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so pissed Michael Jackson never had a chance to molest Justin Bieber.

   Republicans don't want our country to be a 3rd world communist state like Obama does.

   just realised dat wen a guy opens the door of his car for his girlfriend one of them is brandnew!!!

   So it's mothers day and I had trouble deciding what to get my mother-in-law I couldn't choose between a Toyota Prius or a holiday in Haiti, so eventually I plumped for luging lessons in Vancouver.

   Just rearended a car and a midget got out. Came to me frowning and said I'm not happy so I said "Well, then which one are you?"

   My period is a bit like SHARK WEEK. There's a ton of blood and a good chance that someone might die.

   You never see Micael Pelps's father in the stands because he is a dolphin.

   If you google "Republican Debate" your computer starts to yawn.

   The Andy Griffith funeral? Who knows.. he could be cremated...or.. they Mayberry him

   I smashed my car into a bus stop full of people last night. I got away with a broken arm. Don't know whose but it's mine now!

   feeling unsatisfied.... Kind of like getting a hand job from someone with no fingers.

   Spotted on the back of a T-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up.

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   Can't figure out why people that wave, think that any action they take is permissible? Sure...cut me off, speed up in front of me....but as long as you wave your hand at me...its okay?!?!

   If, at any point, you stopped for Hammer Time, I think it is now safe to proceed

   Excuse me, Mr. Pirate, but are you aware that there is a steering wheel stuck in the front of your pants? "Arrhh, Matey," he nods, "Its driving me nuts!"

   they should have captured bin laden, tied him to a tree filled with ants, then let all his victims stab him with a toothpick to death

   Born Free and Taxed to death!

   decided that I am not an alcoholic...I am an extreme social partier with a drinking habit...I say habit because a problem is something you want to fix!"

   Drinking green beer makes you no more Irish, than drinking tiger's blood makes you a blubbering, coked-out douchebag….oh….wait….