Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The kids are nestled all snug in their bed, while Stanley's wifes on her knees giving him.. a foot massage!!

   It's amazing how quickly a MILF becomes a MILL (Mom I'd Like to Leave)

   that money can't buy you happiness, but it sure can buy you beers to drink in the shower.

   Blasting Chumbawumba, and I'm not gonna stop until the realtor showing the house next door pays me to.

   Any woman who says, 'I can have any man I want' is lying, has no standards and no man wants her ass.

   The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.

   I don't want to offend anyone, but this FB app everyone seems to be doing, you know the one with the #1 song played the day you were born, well I really think some of these should be shown on an 8 track or LP instead of a cassette...

   Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.

   If the way you talk to someone isn't the same as the way you talk about them, perhaps you should do neither

   Tell me what else annoys you and I'll do that too.

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point.

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   Stephanie from Facebook hasn't uploaded another selfie in the past 15 minutes. I hope shes ok!