Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some guy just walked by and offered to sell me an iPhone 25. Apparently he’s a time traveler and he… I'm high again, aren't I.

   If the way you talk to someone isn't the same as the way you talk about them, perhaps you should do neither

   Tell me what else annoys you and I'll do that too.

   And on the 8th day god created female hormones. Then the female destroyed that day.

   Men think they have it bad, but they're not the ones having to hold their boobs when they run.

   How many selfies does it take to fill the emotional blackhole in a person's life?

   The difference between bison and buffalo is simple... The ones that have useless little wings are buffalo.

   To drink or not to drink!? What a stupid question!

   When I hear the phrase 'going viral' I automatically assume herpes is involved at some point.

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   The worst part about watching The Food Network while my mother in law tries to follow their recipes during the Holidays is the sad fact that they don't deliver.

   [Every restaurant ever].... Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?".. Waiter: "Ummm,, Yeah."....Manager: "Good,, Go ask him how his meal is."

   Stephanie from Facebook hasn't uploaded another selfie in the past 15 minutes. I hope shes ok!

   When I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.

   hospital is a place where they'll wake you up from sleep to give you a sleeping pill.

   I believe that society is ready for a return to dueling.

   Sesame Street has moved to HBO and promise to contain some shocking spoilers, like how to get there.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   What a great time to be alive. If this was 100 years ago I might randomly catch polio, get drafted to fight in WWI or be someone’s slave.

   The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.