Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   Studies say 9 out of 10 Doctors drink Apple Juice as a part of a healthy diet. The other one is a Uroligist.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   She said describe me in one word. I replied, "MINE"

   suddenly the song anarchy in the uk makes sense

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   Don't love the person who "enjoys" with you. Love the person who "suffers" without you.

   I can't imagine a world without weekends :)

   Facebook can destroy a relationship just as easy as it can start one.

   Fellas: Silence doesn't always mean your sexual performance left her speechless.

   Why does facebook have an option for "In a relationship, but it's complicated"? Are any relationships easy?

   According to a recent study, 100% of people participate in surveys.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   The floggings will continue until morale improves...

   Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(

   I spill things :(

   Simon Cowell and Paula Abdul are hosting a singing competition on Fox! Who comes up with these radical new ideas?