Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yo mama's so fat that when she was cremated, half of the flights to Europe were cancelled..

   Does AT&T allow phone calls on their network? Anyone know?

   anybody else ever shave your balls and instantly regret it?

   Look down at your chest, a little to the left OK - that's where i'll always rest.

   I'd like to see Chaz Bono go to DC teach a few Democrats how to be a man.

   Injunction - the new fragrance for women by Imogen Thomas. Indiscretion - the new fragrance for men by Ryan Giggs.

   what's the best gym to pretend I go to?

   Love...it takes hostages and shows zero remorse.

   There are tons of open seats, so why does the one next to me always look so inviting to really weird people?

   Studies say 9 out of 10 Doctors drink Apple Juice as a part of a healthy diet. The other one is a Uroligist.

   My dad pulled me aside today, teary-eyed. Told me to sit down.. I braced myself. He said "There's going to be a third Bridget Jones movie."

   What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common? A wet nose.

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   Whenever I go through a junk drawer and see things like a battery, a paper clip, several old rubberbands, an old watch, and a glasses repair kit I always wonder-WWMD? What would MacGuyver do?

   She said describe me in one word. I replied, "MINE"

   suddenly the song anarchy in the uk makes sense

   Damn deceptive thumbnail pics. You think you're seeing some hot little sweetie, then you click on it to enlarge the thing, and it's a cake!

   Don't love the person who "enjoys" with you. Love the person who "suffers" without you.

   I can't imagine a world without weekends :)

   Facebook can destroy a relationship just as easy as it can start one.