Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕

   ...and thats how the U.S. outdoes a Royal Wedding.

   I was going to type the best status message ever! It was going to be profound, changing, maybe even life altering. But then all of the sudden...I had to poop!

   Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.

   God knows we aren't strong all the time. That's when he wants us to have faith & take his hand as he leads us out of the dark....-Amen!

   7H15 M3554G3 53RV35 7O PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5, 1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5! 1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG 17 WA5 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3 Y0UR M1ND 1S R34D1NG 17 4U70M471C4LLY W17H 0U7 3V3N 7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17, B3 PROUD! 0NLY C3R741N P30PL3 C4N R3AD 7H15.

   Ironman is a super hero. Iron woman is a command.

   I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…

   How come men go to $trip clubs with other men? I'm thinking of getting a b0ner later, you wanna come? Come on man let's go get some b0ners, my treat! I love going out with my buddies and getting b0ners with them...

   ? Who the hell is that?

   Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.

   46 is coming for our 401(k)s. His plan removes the tax free status of contributions, so they'll tax our income going in, and tax our retirement money again when we take it out. Double taxation. Thanks to everyone that voted for this PUTZ.

   A girl phoned me and said, “Come on over. There's nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home!

   would love to own a maternity store. He would call it "Come Inside"

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

   Sometimes when I get bored I bounce my nuts on the keyboard dfhjyffcbhhhjufddxcbnnkiytredcvhkopihf

   Why can't 2 women play monopoly at the same time? Because There's only one iron

   I liked you when we first met but, since then, you've talked me out of it.

   A Tennessee Hardware shop has put up a sign that says "No Gays Allowed". His homophobia is readily explained by the other sign in his shop "Today's Special: 25 cents for 12 inch screws!"

   I have no idea when the new Star Wars movie comes out because I have sex.