Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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It would have been more realistic if that Michael Jackson hologram last night touched a few little little boys in the front row. 
USPS: Never mail cash or valuables. Dems: The USPS is safe and secure.
"When you fail at inventing the news, become the news" - CNN
Nothing says "I'm a fat b@stard" like wearing a T-shirt in a swimming pool.....
All I can say is Thank You Sandy for giving me a break from the Election!
rubbing cats against ballons and then attatching them to walls
Uh guys,,, I just checked the forecast for the week of Dec. 17th... Mon: sunny,, Tues: sunny,, Wed: cloudy,, Thurs: Rainy,, Fri: FIRE,,, Sat: DEATH,,, Sun: N/A
Bud Light? I'd rather Light Bud.
There are hundreds of languages throughout the world but a smile speaks them all! ◕‿◕
...and thats how the U.S. outdoes a Royal Wedding.
I was going to type the best status message ever! It was going to be profound, changing, maybe even life altering. But then all of the sudden...I had to poop!
Why the hell was my status about SLUTS deleted? Who the hell is abusing his power up in this biyatch.
God knows we aren't strong all the time. That's when he wants us to have faith & take his hand as he leads us out of the dark....-Amen!
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Ironman is a super hero. Iron woman is a command.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
How come men go to $trip clubs with other men? I'm thinking of getting a b0ner later, you wanna come? Come on man let's go get some b0ners, my treat! I love going out with my buddies and getting b0ners with them...
? Who the hell is that?
Be Nice to America…or we'll bring democracy to your country.
46 is coming for our 401(k)s.
His plan removes the tax free status of contributions, so they'll tax our income going in, and tax our retirement money again when we take it out. Double taxation.
Thanks to everyone that voted for this PUTZ. 