Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A

   IKE if you love that feeling when you finally take your shoes off at the end of the day.

   Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!

   Do not put a party hat on a cat. They are seldom in a party mood.

   North if she is desperate for attention..

   Would it be wrong of me to ask my Priest to install Wi-Fi in our Church?

   Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

   You realise Sylvester Stallone is already working up a script for getting a group of prisoners out of post war North Korea

   I'm not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.

   Will tell jokes for Bitcoins!

   Lucy on facebook gets 107 likes when she posts "I can't sleep" I post a blow job joke and my aunt threatens to tell my mom. Facebook works in mysterious ways!

   Sometimes my farts even takes me by surprise *cough*cough*

   Remember when the sentence "she wore a meat outfit on stage" would have been confusing & ridiculous? Oh, 2009...you were a simpler time.

   I'm not saying I'm tired but I did just try to unlock a door with my wallet.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   If you ever want an OUTSTANDING job/character reference, make sure you list someone that you KNOW hates your ass at your current employer. They'll be so happy to be rid of your ass nothing but good things will come out of their mouth.

   You can learn a lot about a person if you install a hidden camera in their bedroom.

   Wait. No more deep-fried Twinkies at the fair? Now how am I supposed to kill myself??

   The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.