Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   not all handsome guys have girlfriends. some of them had boyfriends.

   My phone display is brighter than my future.

   A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!

   I’m drinking something. I'll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”

   be careful what you buy on Craigslist. I just bought front row seats to the Dookie Brothers concert...

   I just saw pictures of my neighbor's 30 year high school reunion....Don't marry your high school sweetheart!!!

   I over-exercised and dieted beyond what was healthy. It got so bad I had to check myself into reflab.

   If death is anything like sleep, sign me up.

   I kinda miss theysayimspecial... He reminded me how much I hate to slam my finger in doors! A

   IKE if you love that feeling when you finally take your shoes off at the end of the day.

   Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, get wasted all the time and have the time of your life!

   Do not put a party hat on a cat. They are seldom in a party mood.

   North if she is desperate for attention..

   Would it be wrong of me to ask my Priest to install Wi-Fi in our Church?

   Try this... Whenever leaving fancy restaurant tell the people coming in "I recommend you try the donkey, snail or the squirrel".

   You realise Sylvester Stallone is already working up a script for getting a group of prisoners out of post war North Korea

   I'm not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.

   Will tell jokes for Bitcoins!

   Lucy on facebook gets 107 likes when she posts "I can't sleep" I post a blow job joke and my aunt threatens to tell my mom. Facebook works in mysterious ways!

   Sometimes my farts even takes me by surprise *cough*cough*