Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   When I grow up I want to be a pillow ...they get to lie in bed and get head all night

   When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

   Happy 90210

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   Apparently there aren't plenty of fish in the sea thanks to BP

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Psst...if you wanna have a Christmas Baby...tonight is the night.

   I'm old but I'm not stand-out-in-front-of-the-church-and-greet-people-as-they-come-in old.

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   My GF said I don't listen to her. Or something like that...

   A group of mistakes is called a life......... next question

   When terrorists parents have to use the, "Open wide, here comes the airplane!" technique, do they just smash it in their face and make explosion noises?

   This sex may be recorded for training purposes.

   Don't feel bad if you don't enjoy my posts. The important thing to remember is that I do. I enjoy all of them. That's what matters.

   If Lance Armstrong can't keep his awards he should just take his ball and go home.

   "Oooga Booga Ooga Booga" Richard Sherman

   Obituaries are the first thing my Nana checks in the paper on Saturdays... I think she enjoys getting through to the next round.

   What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks have sex? Relative Humidity.