Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   : What's Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin?"

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   its right what they say fruit is good for constipation. I got my phone bill this morning from orange and I nearly s**t myself.

   loves animals... especially in gravy

   You know....spooning leads to forking right?

   A Canadian is an unarmed American with health insurance.

   When I grow up I want to be a pillow ...they get to lie in bed and get head all night

   When cops do that thing where they park side by side in an empty parking lot and talk for hours, that means they're in love, right?

   A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was a nurse said 'No change yet'.

   Happy 90210

   Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

   Apparently there aren't plenty of fish in the sea thanks to BP

   If one of Santa's helpers takes a picture of himself with his smartphone, is that an "elfie"?

   Psst...if you wanna have a Christmas Baby...tonight is the night.

   I'm old but I'm not stand-out-in-front-of-the-church-and-greet-people-as-they-come-in old.

   I was born in the USA, but now I live in Absurdistan.

   My GF said I don't listen to her. Or something like that...

   A group of mistakes is called a life......... next question