Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "The "McDutch Oven" - When the fat kid farts in a McDonald's Playland tube and blocks the exit so the other kids can't escape.

   It's so hot I witnessed my dog catch fire while "draggin' ass" on my dead lawn.

   Kiss me before I brush my teeth in the morning so I know your love is real.

   My girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days.

   Dear anyone who can finish an eraser, chapstick, and a pencil, without losing it: You're my idol!

   You obviously dont know me very well. I'm smiling, and your not running...

   When people with lisps say "Bithneth"......you KNOW they mean business.

   To make sure your neighbor knows it was their car alarm that went off, it can be helpful to put a cinderblock through their windshield.

   My Mama is gonna be pissed when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.

   To get back at the boss for no Christmas bonus, my goal is to rub my balls on everything in his office by New Years. Luckily I started in June.

   To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girlfriends.

   Don't you hate it when being polite and holding a door open turns into a "clowns in a car trick"?

   Sucks when you find out you have crabs and are allergic to shellfish

   Dear cellphone companies: please please , invent a "unsend text" option

   I KNOW it's early,,, but I've already got a date lined up for Valentine's Day,,,,,,,,,,,,It's gonna be Feb.14th.

   Hates that scary moment when you stare at your 10 yr olds empty bed and think..."Maybe that "I'm running away" speech wasn't an April Fool's joke....

   The FedEx lady would not take my package and told me to put my pants back on and quit calling her unless I need to ship an order.

   You never heard or seen a pothead come home and beat his wife have you?

   pulling up his pants..and saying no to crack