Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Last night my neighbors kept me up with the headboard banging. I finally yelled "The guy last night made her scream louder!" That shut em up!

   Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos.

   Who am I calling stupid?? Good question.... What's your name?!

   Our generation doesn't knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we're outside.

   I think sharks eat people just to be on tv.

   I'm not shy. I'm just holding back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you.

   The owner of the local movie theatre passed away. His funeral will be at 2, 4:30, 7 and 10.

   I'm super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I'm also wearing a cape.

   When I bite into a York peppermint patty,, I get the sensation,,,,,, That I should have bought a Reese's peanut butter cup...

   red meat is not bad for you. Green furry meat is....

   Knows you're getting old when you watch a porno and think "Oh that bed looks comfortable.".

   Health experts recommend 3 to 4 servings of fruit a day. So I wanna know exactly how many Coronas with limes is that gonna take?

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   A couple in Michigan is being sued for $2 million after they burned down their apartment complex while trying to cook a squirrel with a blowtorch. I’m not an accountant, but it SOUNDS like they might not have $2 million.

   Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair

   Hey Subway, just make everything 5 dollars forever and shut the hell up.

   You don't know this but right after you leave the restaurant with your crying baby the rest of us applaud.

   I'll defend puppies & kittens with my life.. But if your kid's acting like a spoiled brat...I will ABSOLUTELY knock him over when you're not looking.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"