Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks Arkansas is taking the game "Angry Birds" a little too far...

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.

   If cars could fly I probably still wouldnt get one. My car breaks down enough on the road

   It hasn't even been 36 hours and the "Bin Ladn set the world record for hide and seek" joke is already overused and stale. That in itself is a world record.

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?

   Did anyone else notice the look on Haleys face when they announced Laurens name instead of hers? CLASSIC !!

   I coulda swore I just heard my Rice Krispies say "The f#kk dude? It's dinner time"

   Asked my teacher if I was interrupting. She said, "No, I'm just grading some cheese!!"

   please do the world a favor and do not park your vehicle like you park your fat ass

   I wish relationships were Mon-Fri, 9-5 that way id have my nights and weekends free

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   A person who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd.

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   "I wasn't that drunk.."Dude, you hugged an old guy with a white beard and cried, "DUMBLEDORE, YOU'RE BACK!"

   The way my first love would just melt in my hands,with kisses so sweet,and open hearts full of delicious memories- yes even the decadent Bars that brought us together. Truth is you never forget your first love...especially when its Chocolate.

   OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture, October 21st!

   You ever start to turn numb because you have your AC turned up on max, but you don't want to turn it down because it's 110 deg outside?

   twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar.

   wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.

   Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!