Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I coulda swore I just heard my Rice Krispies say "The f#kk dude? It's dinner time"

   Asked my teacher if I was interrupting. She said, "No, I'm just grading some cheese!!"

   please do the world a favor and do not park your vehicle like you park your fat ass

   I wish relationships were Mon-Fri, 9-5 that way id have my nights and weekends free

   My action figure would come with action sold separately.

   A person who follows the crowd usually gets no further than the crowd.

   Final Destination 5 ,, you would think they would have gotten there by now .

   "I wasn't that drunk.."Dude, you hugged an old guy with a white beard and cried, "DUMBLEDORE, YOU'RE BACK!"

   The way my first love would just melt in my hands,with kisses so sweet,and open hearts full of delicious memories- yes even the decadent Bars that brought us together. Truth is you never forget your first love...especially when its Chocolate.

   OMG! Only 151 more shopping days until New Rapture, October 21st!

   You ever start to turn numb because you have your AC turned up on max, but you don't want to turn it down because it's 110 deg outside?

   twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar.

   wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.

   Met my new gf, a spark came between us…..WOW those taser guns are well worth the money!

   Super Bowl Sunday is always followed by National Call Into Work Sick Day.

   A buffet is where you find out what kind of person you really are.

   This regular old moon is stupid...

   I am tired of living in the Divided States Of America

   Just an FYI, whether I know you or not if you're a guy and you send me a friend request and your profile picture is you in a mirror shirtless mmm bye bye.

   Has anyone ever noticed that Caitlin Jenner has man hands? So not sexy.