Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Anti-Christ came to my Christmas party and turned all the wine into water. Hate that guy.

   When you say the word “poop” your mouth does the same motion as your butt hole. The same can be said for the phrase, “explosive diarrhea.”

   walking on sunshine.

   sick and tired of always being sick and tired!

   ..... Al Gore keeps insisting that dropping global temperatures, out of season and record breaking snowfall around the globe are strong symptoms of global warming. My question to him is ..... Then ...... What would the symptoms of Global Cooling be?

   If there are 3 Apples on the Table and Jamal takes 2 Apples. What colour is Jamal?

   Miley Cyrus is already 41 in trailer park years

   And the award for Best Whitney Houston Impression goes to....... Bobbi Kristina

   I liked The Hangover II more the first time I saw it. When it was called The Hangover.

   Eww... There's a little Bin Laden in my tuna sandwich!

   If ur freaky and you know clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it clap ur hands (clap clap) if ur freaky and ya know it and ya really wanna show it, pull ur pants down to the floor and do a dance!!!! Yay!!!!

   If a thief ever broke into my home, I'd just pretend to be a thief too... We'll laugh & hug and then he'll leave because I was there first.

   Divorce is very stressful/confusing for kids. Make sure to CLEARLY explain what they did to make you & your spouse split.

   Profile Pictures: Guys- (•_•) Girls- (°3°)

   God invented women and the next day he invented vodka cause he was like holy hell, sorry bro.

   n. 1: An intelligent individual. 2: One who writes dictionary definitions of himself in an effort to look intelligent.

   dyslexic with tourettes..bucking fastard..cupid stunt.. oh hole ass

   suggests wearing an INS badge to Home Depot if the checkout lines are too long.

   Its a beautiful day out. The sun is out, the birds are out and Ricky Martin is out

   Avoid being late, just don't show up!