Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Who needs a thesaurus when you can replace everything with ****

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   THE BRAIN--->FORGETS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER AND REMEMBERS WHAT I WANT TO FORGET

   saw Magic Mike....pissed....no Magic Johnson,no Mike Jordan and not one freakin Basketball!!!!

   This world will be a much better place when people take care of themselves just for themselves, and not for what other people think of them.

   I only get disappointed by people when I have high expectations, or low expectations, or just expectations.

   The only reason I wear sunglasses inside bars is to protect my eyes from when women pepper spray me.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

   I may be getting older but that's no reason to grow up.

   I think I have become addicted to interventions. Good luck with that one, friends and family!

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.

   National back to being miserable couples day

   Laughter is the Best,,,,,,,,, Way to get the judge to reduce your sentence..☺

   Every man should have a bar where everybody knows your beer.

   Alcohol preserves everything except secrets.

   I'm like God to this girl. I'm always watching her...... & she's never seen me. - Stalker

   REMEMBER: no matter how fast you run, michael myers will walk faster. -.-