Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they changed the title of that movie from "The Artist" to "The Fartist" the odds of me paying to see it would increase dramatically.

   I have a suspicious package.

   If this day had a face, it would be that of an evil clown laughing maniacally at me.

   To save time on playing board games in my family, dad would take the game out of the box and go directly to the throwing it at the wall part

   Some people in my life are as useless as the "AY" in "OKAY", but once in awhile I like to take the time to spell things out so I need em..

   People always ask why I am always so happy, I tell them I start my morning off the same as anyone, a glass of OJ in the am with breakfast- the only differance is the 5th of Vodka I add to mine

   Who needs a thesaurus when you can replace everything with ****

   Right after I shouted "No more Mr. Nice Guy" I found myself helping the neighbors clean out their garage. Something went terribly wrong.

   THE BRAIN--->FORGETS WHAT I WANT TO REMEMBER AND REMEMBERS WHAT I WANT TO FORGET

   saw Magic Mike....pissed....no Magic Johnson,no Mike Jordan and not one freakin Basketball!!!!

   This world will be a much better place when people take care of themselves just for themselves, and not for what other people think of them.

   I only get disappointed by people when I have high expectations, or low expectations, or just expectations.

   The only reason I wear sunglasses inside bars is to protect my eyes from when women pepper spray me.

   Don't be so sensitive. When I said, "You're lucky, I could never pull off such a ridiculous outfit!" I meant it as a compliment.

   Facebook friends: People I know - 75% People I talk to - 20% Real friends - 5%

   I wish that Hallmark would make a card that says, “Sorry, what was your name again?”

   I may be getting older but that's no reason to grow up.

   I think I have become addicted to interventions. Good luck with that one, friends and family!

   so....unfortunately....I put the "tiny" in "Is it in yet?" :(

   A little bit of me dies every time I see one of you post a quote that you obviously don't actually live by.