Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when one of the selling features of a hotel room is "working smoke detectors", best take your $50 elsewhere

   When you're trick-or-treating, it kind of makes you sad if the people handing out candy are younger than you.

   I'm not really that worried about August 2nd.....I still got all my supplies that I stockpiled way back for the Y2K scare...I'm all set...if anyone needs any MRE's lemme know ;-)

   It always confuses me when I see that sign in the bathroom that reads..."DO NOT FLUSH FOREIGN OBJECTS"...ha! Yeah, as if what's coming out of my a$$ isn't Foreign enough!

   Strong are those that accept the nothing they get and then mold it into something.

   u better think twice before coming out of your hole mr. hog

   You'll never truly know happiness until you've experienced great sorrow. How long is it suppose to take for the happiness part kick in?

   I'm A Serial Poker >:DD

   If facebook is going to block me from making new friends then it shouldnt suggest them at all

   What the hell are chocolate diamonds good for if I can't eat them?

   Just think, had we went into the Government Shutdown, Bin Laden would still be playing his game of hide and seek...

   Im headed to Wal Mart to get my May 21st survival kit?

   I see that that they have released a "new" tape from Osama bin Laden. Great, it's going to be just like Tupac and Biggie, more recordings released after they were dead than when they were alive.

   sometime you have to take a step back and really look at yourself to help you figure out who you want to be.

   Sorry friends......But from the advice of my lawyer, it's in my best interest not to try out Facebook's new 'Questions' feature tonight : (

   the thing I want to be said when i'm laying in the casket is " Look he moved!"

   Genius is one of the many forms of insanity

   Guys you ever look down at the urinal and think “Oh man I am huge!!” Then realize you have your reading glasses on? Me neither.

   I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness, so I don't intimidate you ;P

   I know how to spell, so why do my words make no sense when I try to verbally spell something for a friend?!