Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend asked me to come to her place for a Black Friday special. All clothes were 100% off.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!

   Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   The evening news begins with good evening. Then they proceed to tell you why it not.

   When one door closes, another one opens which is great-unless you're am idiot and you didn't notice.

   I just scrolled so far back on Facebook's Timeline it logged me back onto MySpace

   When I see names and hearts carved into a tree I don't think it's cute. I just think it's strange how many people take knives on a date.

   People with handlebar mustaches should be forced to box kangaroos.

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest

   To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up? 

   If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .

   A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.