Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...

   Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.

   Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.

   rip willy wonka

   SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us

   Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale

   A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....

   The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.

   Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.

   I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest

   To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up? 

   If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .

   A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots.

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

   botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence

   having Chris Hansen show up I assume is alot like getting Rick Roll'd for pedophiles

   Its hard to love someone you don't trust. Its even harder to love someone who doesn't trust you.

   At this point I view every photo of myself as a “before” photo.

   Don't you hate when your friends embarrass you in front of your real friends