Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
.... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part. 
Back in my day we had Presidential Candidates that acually believed in the Constitution. Nowadays they can't even spell the freakin' word.
Sorry kids .... Bernie and Hillary are not really Pokemon Go characters
BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.
"I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin
Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.
You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.
Unfortunate Cookies™ are like fortune cookies, except each one contains one of my epic puns...
Before Marriage, Always Agree On The Big Issues: 1) Money. 2) Faith. 3) Please don't play your Steely Dan records. 4) Kids. 5) No, I'm serious about the Steely Dan.
Budweiser changing its name to "America" is a really creative way of telling employees they're moving the brewery to China.
rip willy wonka
SUSAN: You spent our entire life savings on dogs?? Me: They're golden retrievers, Susan... They retrieve gold,, I did it for us
Rapunzel! Rapunzel!,, Let down your CVS receipt!........ *A modern fairy tale
A little song,,, a little dance,,, a little seltzer, down your pants. ....
The only reason I haven't taken a rifle up into a clock tower is the stairs.
Don't let the door hit your 'Man Bun' on the way out.
I used to wish to have lots of money... since that never happened, I'm settling for a tool that converts Farmville coins to real cash... my cows will do the rest
To all of the guys who have creeped a girl out so much to the point of her never talking to you again, I just have one thing to say to you: Where do I sign up?
If you hear a thud don't worry , it's just me dancing naked on your roof .
A complicated relationship is when the Queen of mixed signals hooks up with the King of idiots. 