Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?

   I'm taking this Cookie little Kid.. And Don't Use that Swiper no Swipping Sh*t on me because that Don't work in the Real World.Grow up!"

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.

   when I was a lil kid I thought picking toys in the toy store was hard, now that I turn 21 picking alcohol in the liquor store is harder.

   Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

   Sing as if no one is listening, work as if someone is watching, make love as if you need the money, and dance as if no one is going to post it on Youtube."

   "CARPE SCROTUM"..seize the day by the balls!!!

   I find the upper arm bone humerus

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   The closest I come to cooking with gas is when I break wind while frying a steak

   starting an oatmeal delivery company.I`m leaning towards naming it Haulin` Oats.

   Please do not open any messages from me that are entitled "Do not open , This is a virus which will destroy your hard drive then come to your house and donkey punch you in the back of the head"

   Wow, Christmas parties invitations are starting to arrive... grrrr... shut up liver!

   "Oprah tips homeless dude $100" ...20 min. later, homeless dude's crack dealer: "where you get the Benjamin, homie?"

   Bucket list #17 - boxing a kangaroo.

   The honorable Lt. Frank Drebin is gone.. Yet Nordberg is still with us.. Wheres the justice?