Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see L.A. as a beautiful blonde with dirty underwear.

   I'm as nervous as a postman at a dog show.

   To whoever said "fight fire with fire": do you actually test your own advice before giving it?

   I suspect my Girl might be OCD because she performs a few bizarre rituals. For example, she just made our bed. Who does that?

   Trust me. Tight fit jeans and loose fit skin are one bad combination.

   You know what's awesome about working out? Not a damn thing.

   thinks it's wrong when you go to a strip club and the sign says "Tonight only, all you can eat crab"

   Am I the only one that hears the ice cream truck, and reaches for the gun at the same time?

   I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great a$$ and a trust fund.

   The next person who suggests that, when I die, I should leave my organs to medical science is really gonna get a piece of my mind.

   when I was a lil kid I thought picking toys in the toy store was hard, now that I turn 21 picking alcohol in the liquor store is harder.

   Today's forecast: Insanity with scattered crazies.

   There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away...

   Two wrongs don't make a right, but they have the potential to become a pretty interesting Facebook status update.

   An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, 'So far so good!'

   Sing as if no one is listening, work as if someone is watching, make love as if you need the money, and dance as if no one is going to post it on Youtube."

   "CARPE SCROTUM"..seize the day by the balls!!!

   I find the upper arm bone humerus

   I start drinking earlier and earlier everyday... I had to set my alarm this morning.

   The closest I come to cooking with gas is when I break wind while frying a steak