Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.

   Won the yearly food fight today.. No one was matched for me and my canned peas.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.

   best place to hide a body, page 2 google search results

   .Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney!

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   If one more person I see says "I'll see ya next year" chances are, they wont...

   R.I.P to the virginitys about to be lost tonight.

   Facebook would be a lot better if they had an “Ignore all engagement and wedding posts” option

   Pushing the elevator button repeatedly doesn't make the elevator go faster.....you do realize that right.....?

   Before you make up your mind, open it.

   If you think paper beats rock, please hold this piece of paper in front of your face for a second…

   it necessary for there to be a guy that looks like Stephen King at every highway rest stop?

   Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.

   I went shopping today for belts, and I used them right away on all the screaming kids at the store.

   That guy who got busted for having sex on the subway did nothing wrong...He was just 'minding the gap'.

   Tomorrow is National Facebook Poke day!! Spread the word...

   Life is a comedy for those who think, a tragedy for those who feel, and a pie eating contest for me.