Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations for this Presdential election.

   If by angry birds you mean flipping off a$$holes while driving then yes I'm at the expert level of Angry Birds

   For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....

   Hey girl, are you an angel? Because your hair's in my pasta. I'd like to speak to the manager.

   The guy who flushed the toilet on my teleconference was my hero... Then, After NOT hearing the faucet turn on,, he's also the real terrorist.

   Yeah, we also have a vegan option for those of you that can't deal with the guilt of being at the top of the food chain,,, you wuss.

   I'm asian, but not "me love you long time" asian.

   Helping my oldest with History homework is a blast.....Underground railroad??? honey we call that a "Subway"

   Probably the worst part about growing up in a tipi is not understanding knock knock jokes.

   Won the yearly food fight today.. No one was matched for me and my canned peas.

   Watched a boy make a wish at a coin fountain. He tossed the coin & missed it. Missed. An. Entire. Fountain. Ugh, this kid sucks at wishing.

   Great! I ate a whole box of Captain Crunch, the roof of my mouth is shredded and I can lick my brain.

   best place to hide a body, page 2 google search results

   .Merry Christmas to most,and to a select few of you may santa flush his $hitter over your chimney!

   You say toilet, I say Christmas beer vomit receptacle.

   New Year's Resolution #2: Switch my username to “password” and my password to “username” to make it harder for hackers to figure out

   If one more person I see says "I'll see ya next year" chances are, they wont...

   R.I.P to the virginitys about to be lost tonight.

   Facebook would be a lot better if they had an “Ignore all engagement and wedding posts” option

   Pushing the elevator button repeatedly doesn't make the elevator go faster.....you do realize that right.....?