Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is nothing more frightening than the toilet water rising when you flush it! Especially if you are at someone Else's house!

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.

   Welcome to April! The month when nobody watches "Harlem Shakes Videos" anymore... so, why is the song on the Hot 100 spot of Billboard?

   Rumors are a lot like buttcheeks because once you spread them, someone's a$$ is about to get hurt.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   Brent Musburger thinks Manti Te'o's girlfriend is hot!

   I am the kind of guy who brings a gun to a pillow fight.

   I turned my "Panic room" into a "Hispanic room" so that I have a place to wear my sombrero without being ridiculed.

   You're not a real man until you've electrocuted yourself.

   Aren't we suppost to catch Kony this year or was that cancelled?