Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happiness isn't getting what you love, it's loving what you get...

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   What's the objective for Jewish football......To get the quarterback!

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

   There is nothing more frightening than the toilet water rising when you flush it! Especially if you are at someone Else's house!

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   Ghost hunters: "Can you communicate with us?" *Door creeks* Ghost hunters: "Oh so your name is William?"

   If you enjoy watching Harlem Shake videos, don't ever complain about "stupid people." You're one of them

   Sometimes when I'm bored, I order coffee at Starbucks and tell them my name is Bueller.....Then just leave!

   Rihanna says she’ll probably have kids,,,,,, mostly because Chris wants to take a swing at being a dad.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight."

   I bet Unawarewolves don't even know they don't exist

   My girl is a serial over-reactor. You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can't go in the kitchen alone anymore.