Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Imagine living with 3 wives and never leaving the house for 5 years... I think Osama called the US Navy Seals himself

   Happiness isn't getting what you love, it's loving what you get...

   I tried pulling myself up by my bootstraps, now I've got a concussion and two broken bootstraps

   I only like Tuesday because it rhymes with Booze Day....

   SEX It may have only 3 letters but it can have as many characters as you like.

   What's the objective for Jewish football......To get the quarterback!

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   They say you are what you eat...so I'm gonna eat a skinny person

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

   There is nothing more frightening than the toilet water rising when you flush it! Especially if you are at someone Else's house!

   Right to bear arms meant only muskets? Is like saying right to free speech only meant the old English spoken in 1700s....

   It's almost July 4th, the day we fought back against the aliens.

   Wow, I thought what we had was special, you met my family and made me dinner, now you say you’re a “waiter" and you’re just “doing your job"

   "I'd hit that".......................... - Old people driving

   The most difficult part of growing older is learning to become your own best friend.

   I'm not rich, but I'm not "selling stuff on Craigslist for $10" poor either...

   "I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don't see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget do you.

   I'm a keeper... Who's never been kept.

   Relax, You're not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.

   Just sneezed 8 times in a row and saw the entrance to Narnia for a split second.