Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   we got about 18 inches of "global warming" on the ground now...

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.

   Everyday I cry in the shower and ask myself, was that Klondike bar really worth it?

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   With that big gap between your 2 front teeth , I don't know wether to smile at you or to kick a goal.......

   Some moron gave me a banana for my birthday

   At the end of the day Tiger Woods is the guy we all want to be: $600 million, 75 Cars, Cute dogs, Hot Wife, 3 hotter girlfriends....Enough Said!

   reminding everyone to Not eat the yellow snow

   The Packers beat the Bears, I guess hunting season is officially over.

   Get a backbone and say NO if you don't want to do something, ignoring calls and texts is a cowards way out. Grow a pair!!!

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...

   Got a friend request the other day from someone I didn't know. Checked out her friends list to see a connection and she had a collection of Corey's. Scary, she wanted me to become her 312th Corey friend in her Corey collection.........Makes me a little un

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through a Capri Sun

   I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.

   Rodney King said, "Can we all get along? The answer is no because too many people make a very good living making sure we don't....right, Reverend Al?

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed Little Bo Pep was giving him head as soon as he came she started to weap she knew by the taste he was f**king her sheep

   I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You that read wrong too. And too that.