Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls FB Account: 47 Friend Requests, 17 Messages, 31 Notifications..........Boys FB Account: 1 Notification.

   To the idiot below me, you may be right saying Franklin never flew a kite, because that's a myth. However, there is no myth about a nephew... dumb ass.

   If you didn't want me to do you then why were you saggin your pants?-Inmate 2541

   You don't know pain until you've caught your pénis in your zipper.

   No matter how independent I am, I can never bang myself...So yes men, I still need you.

   It's Eminem's birthday. Happy birthday to the whitest black guy on the planet.

   well that's about as frustrating as a Jehovah's Witness trying to tell a knock-knock joke.

   the Egypt uprising also Sarah Palin's fault?

   we got about 18 inches of "global warming" on the ground now...

   I was just asked to contribute money to help solve the civil unrest in egypt, but I suspect it;s some sort of pyramid scheme

   Been a week since I broke up with my girlfriend.. I need a new sandwich maker already or I'm going to starve to death.

   Everyday I cry in the shower and ask myself, was that Klondike bar really worth it?

   my knight in shining armour turned out to be a loser in aluminum foil

   With that big gap between your 2 front teeth , I don't know wether to smile at you or to kick a goal.......

   Some moron gave me a banana for my birthday

   At the end of the day Tiger Woods is the guy we all want to be: $600 million, 75 Cars, Cute dogs, Hot Wife, 3 hotter girlfriends....Enough Said!

   reminding everyone to Not eat the yellow snow

   The Packers beat the Bears, I guess hunting season is officially over.

   Get a backbone and say NO if you don't want to do something, ignoring calls and texts is a cowards way out. Grow a pair!!!

   I'm not sure If I just pulled a groin muscle working out, but I am walking funny and I sound like Mike Tyson...